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Nancy Fingerhood, LSW
Counselor, Insight Clinical Counseling and Wellness, LLC

When most people hear about intimate partner violence (IPV), thoughts of physical abuse usually come to mind. However, another insidious form of abuse, coercive control, is often overlooked since the scars are not always visible. Some coercive controllers are physically violent, while others are not. Late sociologist and coercive control expert, Evan Stark, used the term “liberty crime” in association with coercive control as it deprives its victims of their human rights. The tactics involved in coercive control are myriad:

• Limiting independence and autonomy: You may be forced to go through your significant other to connect to the outside world. Your partner may build barriers between you and your family and friends by intercepting calls or messages. They may explain that you do not have to work anymore and promise to pay your bills as an attempt to keep you financially dependent.
• Micromanaging: They may demand you wear or not wear a certain piece of clothing or style your hair in a certain way. You may be forced to account for your time when you leave your house. They may choose what you are allowed to eat or when you can sleep.
• Weaponizing your children: Abusers may see their children as property and use them as a form of manipulation. They may threaten to never let you see your children again if you leave. If you have left your significant other, he or she may undermine your parenting. The abuser may engage in legal abuse where he or she misuses family court by burying the victim in paperwork, filing multiple unfounded contempt motions and/or filing numerous custody petitions.
• Using sex and intimacy as a form of power and control: Coercive controllers feel entitled to intimate acts. The perpetrator may use guilt or threats to get what they want.
• Losing your sense of identity: The relationship affects your sense of self. Through gaslighting, humiliation and manipulation your sense of identity may erode.

Many victims of coercive control blame themselves for the abuse due to internalized judgement and toxic self-criticism. It is important to remember – YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. This abuse was done TO you.

Coercive control is a traumatizing process. Due to ongoing emotional and psychological abuse, you may develop a trauma response such as freezing or fawning. A freeze response may show up as not being able to move or speak. A fawn response can manifest as doing or saying what you believe the abuser wants in order to placate him or her. This fawn response often deescalates a potentially dangerous situation.

If you find yourself in a relationship with these patterns of coercive control, consider getting support. Steps you can take get back to your true self include:

• Trust your gut: If you notice yourself appeasing your partner often, you may be experiencing a trauma response. Learn to trust your feelings again.
• Have a safety plan: Decide on where you will go or who you will stay with if you decide to leave.
• Learn about coercive control: Read and watch videos about the patterns of coercive control and nervous system responses.
• Get professional support: A trained therapist can help you rebuild your sense of self and prioritize your needs.

A mental health professional may use different techniques, such as expression through movement, art or journaling, mindful activities, and working with you to set goals for yourself. Gaining clarity on who you are and what you want will help you regain your sense of identity. Coercive control is often minimized and misunderstood. The path to recovery may seem daunting, however, it is possible to reclaim your narrative. Remember to give yourself grace – abuse is never your fault.

If you are experiencing any relationship abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7/365. It offers free and confidential help and resources to help you find safety and learn to love again.

If you are in immediate danger, find a safe space and call 911.