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Secondary Infertility

Aline Scott, LPC
Counselor, Insight Clinical Counseling and Wellness, LLC

Incredibly, my first pregnancy happened after only the first try! Two weeks later, I had a positive pregnancy test and, 9 months after that, a healthy baby boy and no complications to speak of. I remember thinking, “good thing I was so cautious my whole life because that happened very fast!”

Two years after our first child, my husband and I felt we were ready to add another to our family. Little did we know the second time around would be a very different experience. Long before trying for our second child, I recall having read an article about secondary infertility. It stuck with me, even though it wasn’t my reality yet. Secondary infertility is the inability to conceive or carry a baby to term after previously giving birth. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, millions of parents are affected. Additionally, just because someone already has a child, the experience is no less painful.

With my second pregnancy, I once again became pregnant on the first try. This time, it would be a May baby. How perfect, just in time for summer! But three weeks later, I started bleeding, which was the first sign of my miscarriage. I called the doctor, only to learn there was nothing they could do for me. I was sad, but also knew miscarriages were common during the early weeks. Nothing to worry about.

A couple of months later, we tried again and became pregnant right away. This time, we made it to our 8-week confirmation appointment, only to learn that, unfortunately, there was no heartbeat. We scheduled a D&C (Dilatation & Curettage) in case it didn’t happen naturally and, right before Christmas, I had the procedure.

This time around, I was gutted. I couldn’t rationalize why this had happened again. My doctor said that I could try again on my own and, if I couldn’t sustain that pregnancy, she would send me to a specialist. In May of the following year, I had my third miscarriage and then met with an infertility doctor. They ran testing and found that my egg quality was poor. I was 35 years old and was told that I had a better chance of winning the lottery than carrying my own child again. In September (almost a year to the date of the first one), I had my fourth miscarriage and then in December, my fifth.

Needless to say, I was not in a great place. I became obsessed with research, numbers, options, and second opinions. This became a large burden on myself and in my marriage. At one point, my husband said to me, “Maybe we are only meant to have one child. He is healthy and happy. Maybe that’s it for us.” I can’t remember it verbatim, but I think I told him I was going to have a child with or without him (not something I would advise saying!).

I spent time considering all the options presented to me. I could buy an egg or embryos, try IVF, etc. There were a few problems though: first, money. Those options were extremely expensive. Second, my husband wasn’t on board and was worried about all the ramifications of those options. Finally, what would be the impact of those choices on my child? Could I really take all the money and put it into this journey instead of saving it for him? Would my obsession with having a second child leave him wondering why he wasn’t enough for mom? On the other hand, when our son no longer has his parents alive and well, would he be ok to go through that experience alone? I couldn’t even fathom how that would feel for him. When it came to my son, I began to consider all those ramifications very carefully and it was a harsh reality.

The truth was that I needed to take care of myself. In January, following my fifth miscarriage, I found a counselor. She helped me make peace with my reality while continuing to keep hope alive. I also began researching all the ways I could improve my egg quality, which, as it turns out, is not that easy. With lots of unknowns that February, I took a first step and made an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic Center for Functional Medicine. I knew that they couldn’t help me with the secondary infertility directly, but I was hopeful they would help me become the healthiest version of myself. I had a new obsession. In April, I started trying again and, within a month, had a positive pregnancy test. Three weeks later, we saw a heartbeat on an ultrasound.

Unlike my first pregnancy, this one was riddled with anxiety. It was, after all, my SEVENTH pregnancy. I was consistently waiting for bad news but kept my focus on being the healthiest I could be. I had several ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy to ease my worries, but I still had an anxiety attack one evening after eating a turkey sandwich. I’m surprised the on-call doctor didn’t just laugh at me! Finally, on December 26th, a beautiful, strong, resilient, healthy, baby boy joined us in this world.

As I watch him run around now, becoming his own little person, it’s hard to return to that place of confusion, uncertainty, and sorrow. It was a devastating journey. It challenged me physically and emotionally, but it also changed me to my core. No other experience has had such a deep impact on me like secondary infertility. I am also aware that, although my story ends with another child, that’s not the reality for many others. Throughout this experience, I’ve come to learn that taking care of your body, heart, and soul can be the key to getting through to the other side, regardless of the outcome. It holds true that there is no way around, but through, as they say.