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Narcissistic Abuse and Relationships

Nancy Fingerhood, LSW
Counselor, Insight Clinical Counseling and Wellness, LLC

Social media and pop culture has recently brought awareness of narcissistic abuse into the light, making it the topic of podcasts, tv series, books, and day-to-day conversation. A lesser known term, antagonistic relational stress, which encompasses the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, confusion, isolation, and invalidation when one is in a relationship with a psychologically harmful person.

We all have selfish moments and display narcissistic traits from time to time. However, people with pathological narcissism lack emotional empathy for others and use antagonistic behaviors and tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting and stonewalling. While narcissists project grandiosity and confidence, below the surface is a profound sense of shame and lack of self-worth.

Being in a relationship with someone with narcissism is a rocky journey – one that keeps you questioning your own reality. It can take years before recognizing the behavior patterns of your loved one and how deeply the antagonistic relational stress is affecting your well-being. After all, gaslighting, which is convincing someone they are imagining or misremembering events, is a favorite tool of the narcissist.

It can also take time for abusive patterns to unfold, so it can be years before you realize something is awry. By that time, you may be emotionally involved and convinced you are to blame. Adding to the confusion is that narcissistic abuse is known as “invisible abuse” because there are no bruises or marks.

While you may be hoping for a healthy connection and remembering the fun you had in the past with this person, day to day life might feel emotionally unsafe. Being on edge may propel you to seek therapy to explore whether or not the relationship is salvageable. Could it be that you need stronger boundaries? Will this person change? These are all questions examined in therapy.

If you do take the step to enter therapy, it is vital your clinician is well-versed in antagonistic behaviors including what they sound like, feel like and look like. A key component of therapy is psycho-education about narcissism, the cycle of abuse, and the unique stress one faces when in an antagonistic relationship. A clinician can assist you in reflecting on your values and living in alignment with those values. Additionally, he or she can also help you recognize both healthy and unhealthy relationship patterns so you know what to look for in the future.

Counseling techniques that can also be helpful stem from the idea of radical acceptance. This can be defined as “the ability to accept situations that are outside of your control without judging them, which reduces the suffering they cause” and is a path towards healing from narcissistic abuse (Görg, et. al., 2017) . You may never fully understand why narcissistic people do what they do, however, radical acceptance can allow you to see the person as they are and not as you want them to be. When you accept your significant other or family member as they are, you are validating reality. Validation allows you to shift from a disempowered place to making empowered choices for yourself.

The journey from recognition of the abuse to recovery includes support, self-care, and healthy boundaries. In order to move forward from antagonistic relational stress, the focus must be on you, your values, and your healing.

Görg N, Priebe K, Böhnke JR, Steil R, Dyer AS, Kleindienst N. Trauma-related emotions and radical acceptance in dialectical behavior therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder after childhood sexual abuse. Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2017;4:15. doi:10.1186/s40479-017-0065-5