Current Post

Children’s Behaviors Explained

Casie Johnston, LPC
Clinician

Are you a parent or caregiver who can benefit from behavior modification for your child? Have you ever referred to your child as someone who “throws fits,” has “emotional outbursts,” or “temper tantrums? If so, this blog is for you!

As a clinician, I see children, adolescents, and adults here at Insight Clinical Counseling. One of the biggest reasons parents bring their children in to see me is to help them with behaviors that are often described as “emotional outbursts” or “temper tantrums.” These kids yell, throw themselves on the ground, sometimes hit/kick others, or throw things. Parents usually report the child has these behaviors for no reason. After speaking with the parent or caregiver more, I learn these children don’t like hearing the word “no.” The children would rather have control, they are tired or hungry, they have to do something they don’t want, or they have to stop doing something they enjoy doing- like playing.

When I tell these parents or caregivers that it seems like appropriate behavior, they seem to be taken aback. I then tell them, I get upset if someone tells me no, if I’m hungry, or if I’m tired, and if I have to do things I don’t want to do, and I’m an adult. The difference is, as an adult, I understand that I can’t throw myself on the ground when these things happen. I can’t start screaming at my place of employment because I didn’t get a chance to eat and now I’m hungry. Now what if I go home and I want to nap because I’m tired, but I can’t because I must cook dinner and get ready for tomorrow? As a grown adult, I have the capability to say, “I am angry and I need to go calm down before I react to my anger in an inappropriate manner.” Therefore, it usually seems as though these children just don’t know how to regulate their emotions properly. However, in counseling, they can learn how to do that!

One theory to explain some of these behaviors is from Jean Piaget, who explains child development in four different stages; sensorimotor, preoperational, concrete operational, and formal operational. Sensorimotor is the beginning of life to two years old. This stage is where the child is an infant to a toddler; they are using all their senses to explore and learn. Their main task is to learn and play!

Childhood Development Stages:

The preoperational stage is from 2-7 years of age, and are using words and language to express themselves. However, it is important to help them with this by teaching emotional identification, expression, and regulation. Kids in this stage don’t have logical thinking, so concepts like time and cause/effect are a struggle. Kids tend to see the world from their own point of view!

Concrete operational stage is from 7-11 and these kids are starting to develop logical thinking, when it comes to concrete situations. Abstract thinking has not yet developed. Children in this stage need to experience something to fully understand it, which can make empathy difficult at times.

The last and final stage is the formal operational stage and is from age 12 and up. Abstract thinking has developed in this stage, and adolescents can reason about theoretical situations. They can also plan for the future, and they can engage in more multifaceted problem-solving situations.

From birth to adulthood, children are just trying to learn how to navigate this new life of theirs! Piaget’s theory can help explain some of these behaviors you are witnessing in your child. They are always growing, learning, and exploring. Which stage is your child in?

In adolescence, behaviors can be different based on their emotions and often come out in lower self-esteem, or lower self-love. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs can help explain this. This is a psychological theory that can explain motivation and how humans need certain things fulfilled before they can begin to fulfill the next need.

Psychological Needs: these are your basic human needs, such as air, food, water, and sleep

Safety: this is the need for security, such as a stable shelter/home or not living in fear/danger everyday

Love and Belonging: this is the need for friendships, intimacy, connection, and belonging

Esteem: this is self-love, self-respect, accomplishment

Self-Actualization: this is the desire to be the best version of yourself that you can be and an achievement of personal growth (this is the tip of the pyramid and the most difficult to reach)

A person cannot feel love and belonging or try to achieve this if they don’t have access to food and water and do not have a stable home. To achieve a higher level, the first level must be reached first. For instance, if a teenager has food and water and lives in a happy household with good friendships, the child may still have low self-esteem and need to increase their self-love. A parent can help with positive praise, practicing and showing self-love themselves so the child can see what self-love is, and by helping them change their negative thoughts/opinions about themselves by reframing their negative self-talk into positive self-talk.

How else can you help your child at home?

The first thing to remember is that nothing changes overnight! Also, it takes repetition and routine to change any behavior, so don’t give up if the behavior doesn’t change right away! Secondly, it is important to ask yourself how you handle your anger as the parent/caregiver. If you are yelling often, this shows your children that they can do the same thing when they are angry.

Also, does your child know they are allowed to be mad and the importance is in how they react and handle the anger? I ask this in session right away, and the child sometimes says “oh no, my daddy doesn’t let me be angry.” Emotional identification and expression are extremely important. Children need to know it’s normal to feel mad, but how we express this anger is what is important.

Let your child have control! don’t mean to let them run wild and do what they want all the time! But do they have to wear the shirt you picked out for them for school? Try choosing 2-3 shirts and let them choose which one to wear. Are you trying to decide what to make for dinner? Let the child decide what’s for dinner out of a few options. Or choose 2-3 restaurants to eat at and let them choose one. Giving control within parameters can help the child with control!

A difficulty many caregivers have is trying to lessen the use of the word “no” and instead tell the child what you want them to do. “No, don’t run!” could turn into “walking feet, please!” Changing the way you say “no” may take time, but it can be very effective. This can also be effective when children are experiencing strong emotions. Instead of telling them to “stop,” guide them toward healthier ways to regulate their anger.

In summary, children are just tiny little people trying to navigate life, just like the rest of us! However, most children have high emotions and are unable to regulate them without a little assistance. Let Insight Clinical Counseling be that assistance for you and your child!