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Grief During the Holidays: When Joy and Sorrow Share the Same Room

Ashleigh Davis, LISW-S
Clinician

The complexity of grief is vast. It touches every area of life, not just death. We grieve people, relationships, pets, jobs, old identities, and even versions of life we once imagined. Some also grieve the childhood they never received. For many, the holidays resurface memories of a home that was not safe, of Christmas mornings without presents, or of Thanksgiving dinners where conflict or silence replaced warmth and belonging. Around the holidays, grief becomes louder. There are reminders everywhere of what used to be, what we hoped would be, and who is no longer here.

My Story: Grief Became My Teacher
I am no stranger to grief. Over time, grief became so familiar that I eventually chose to walk alongside it in my work. I trained as an End of Life Doula through the International End of Life Association and volunteer with Hospice of the Valley as both a companion and a vigil team member. As a therapist, I sit with people experiencing profound loss. I support individuals grieving loved ones as well as those facing their own terminal illness or the end of life.

My first significant loss happened when I was seventeen, just before the holidays. I sat beside my sister, who was twenty years old, as she transitioned after a ten month battle with cancer. Years later I sat beside my father as he passed away. My brother and I were together at his bedside. We did not know then that in six months he would suffer a sudden heart attack and die two weeks later. Losing them so close together created a grief so layered it was difficult to understand. These were only three of many losses, through both death and the endings of meaningful relationships, with humans and with pets.

Through loss I learned that grief is the teacher of impermanence. Nothing in this world is meant to be held forever. People, moments, roles, and identities are not here to be clung to. Their loss reminds us that our essence is not defined by what we hold, but by what remains when everything else falls away. Grief invites us to allow things to come and go, and to allow emotions to rise and fall without attaching to them. In grief, we begin to remember that we are not the emotion itself. We are the one who is witnessing the emotion as it moves through.

What Is Grief, Really?
Grief is our mind and body reacting to loss. It is the emotional and physical resistance we feel when we are forced to accept a reality we never wanted. Sadness is often the emotion we associate with grief, but grief is rarely one dimensional. It can look like anger, confusion, numbness, or even joy. A single memory can bring both tears and warmth to the heart. Joy and sorrow can coexist in the same breath.

And then there is guilt.
The guilt of laughing.
The guilt of feeling even a moment of peace or joy while someone we love is gone.
The fear that if we show happiness, others will think we have moved on or did not love deeply enough.
And the heavy guilt of believing we should have done more. If we had noticed something, said something, shown up differently… they might still be here.

One of my greatest realizations is that it is not my place to take someone’s pain away, nor is it something I could ever remove, no matter how deeply I wished to. Pain belongs to the person who carries it, and their feelings deserve to be witnessed, not corrected. My role is simply to honor what is alive in them in that moment. When we meet someone’s grief with acceptance rather than resistance, we offer the kind of love that does not try to change them, only to stand beside them.

Grief Changes Us
Our journeys are uniquely our own, and grief carries value. There is usually a period when we cannot accept this as truth, and that is exactly how it should be. In the beginning, all we feel is the pain and the unfairness. But with time, as the sharp edges soften, we begin to see how grief changes us. It does not return us to who we were before. Instead, it reveals who we are becoming. No one can define the purpose of your grief or what you are meant to learn from it. The meaning evolves as you move through different stages of life and through each loss.

Feeling to Heal
There is no rush to feel better, even though most of us desperately want relief. When grief hits, there is no perfect way to move through it, but I have learned one truth: you have to feel it in order to move through it. Avoidance often looks like staying overly busy, distracting ourselves, or numbing what we do not want to feel. These strategies may work for a while, and sometimes staying busy or social can be supportive. But eventually there comes a moment when slowing down becomes necessary. In the quiet, emotions surface, and we are invited to face what is actually happening inside us.

Sometimes we need professional support because the people in our lives cannot hold space for our pain. Others may find comfort in being with people who understand, like grief groups, where strangers become witnesses to our experience. Some may find practices such as yin yoga helpful, where we can be with our body in community, without needing to speak.

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Then allow yourself to actually feel it, without distraction. If sitting with your emotions feels overwhelming, consider doing it with a therapist or a trusted friend. Our emotions are a portal into who we are becoming. At first, strong emotions can feel like a tightening or a closing inward. When we accept that the emotion is happening, and we meet ourselves with compassion, something begins to shift. Healing is never about getting over a loss. It is always about moving through it.

Only you can do your inner work, but you are never truly alone. When we turn inward, away from the noise and distractions of the outside world, we begin to feel the deeper connection to our own existence. In that space, trust grows. Peace returns. And even in the darkest moments, there is light guiding us forward.