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The Quiet Work of Knowing Your Sense of Self

Casie Johnston, LPCC
Clinician

What does it mean to have a sense of self? How do you know who you are? Believe it or not, it is common for people to not know who they are.. I often hear this in my office. Sometimes people will have an incident that changes their life and can change who they are as a person.

Have you ever lost your sense of self? Walking about your regular routine and end up getting lost in it? Or have you had a major life event or change that has caused you to change as a person? This event can be seen as a negative or a positive life change; for example, a close and/or sudden death of a loved one, a divorce, a move, giving birth or having a child.

Some of these scenarios I am familiar with and when I experienced them, I lost my sense of self. The first event was when my brother passed away in November of 2018. I was 28 years of age. Before he passed, I enjoyed reading, camping, and giving gifts to others. I was kind and just graduated with a 4.0 at YSU’s clinical mental health counseling masters program in May of 2018 and got married in August of 2018. His death changed me. A part of myself died that day and I had to find a way to fill that void. I no longer enjoyed giving gifts, and I took a leave of absence from work. However, I then became pregnant and had my daughter August 29, 2019, exactly 9 months after my brother Kyle passed away, I had a brand-new baby, Claire Kyle Johnston. The person I was before my brother passed away was different than who I am now. Also, having two children, definitely changed me. In addition, my spouse changed as a person as well and we did not end up working out. I was just in the same daily routine, going through life in a mundane manner. I lost myself in this relationship but after we separated, I was able to start finding myself again!

Now? My sense of self wears many different “hats” in life. I have a counselor hat to wear, but also a mom hat, a friend hat, as well as many others. I love the outdoors and camping still. After a significant move last spring, I stopped reading as much as I used to, but now I am starting to get back into reading again. I started getting more interested in my heritage and am going to visit one of the countries my ancestors are from next year. I lost the part of me that enjoyed giving gifts but I found myself in that again in the last two years. I then realized, giving gifts is truly my love language. Gary Chapman notes five love languages; acts of service, gifts, physical touch, words of affirmations, and quality time. Learn more about these below to see what your love language is, giving you a start to learn about your sense of self!

Find Your Love Language
These five love languages can be the way you show love and affection and/or how you want to receive love and affection. Often, the two are the same, however, they don’t have to be. One important thing is to be aware of your love language for your own benefit, and if you are in a romantic relationship or even in a close friendship, your partner/friend can be aware of your love language as well.

Acts of Service: doing things for your partner or wanting your partner to do things for you, such as running errands or doing chores

Gifts: giving or receiving thoughtful gifts to show your partner you care and were thinking about them when you bought or made the gift

Physical Touch: giving hugs, intimacy, or holding hands to show your partner you love them

Words of Affirmations: giving or receiving love through praise, appreciation, or words

Quality Time: giving or receiving undivided attention and spending alone time together

How else can we find out who our sense of self is?

Self Awareness
Look within and help yourself discover your values and beliefs. What is important to you? What beliefs are significant in your life? In addition, self-reflection is important to evaluate your feelings, thoughts, and reactions to things. Lastly, what are your interests, strengths, and weaknesses? What is something you are passionate about? A person’s sense of self requires inner reflection and acceptance.

Adjusting to Your New Normal
Big events can cause you to lose your sense of self. Often times with a death, you feel numb and this feeling can be difficult to navigate. With a divorce, you sometimes grieve the person you were with. Chronic pain can lead to an adjustment and grieving your old self. A new parent may need to adjust to a new baby and can lose their sense of self. Moms and dads can often only wear their “parent hat” and forget they are an individual still as well. This is where self-care is very important.

Counseling
A counselor can help you in many different ways. They can help you see you aren’t lost. You can work on different skills to help you learn what you enjoy doing, what brings you joy, who are your supports, etc.

Questions I often ask is “What do you do for fun?” and “What do you do for yourself?” These two questions are often answered by “I don’t know” and “nothing” while in session. These answers are more common amongst mothers, however, people with depressive symptoms also experience this. If you are answering this question with these two answers, figure it out please! It’s important to have self-care. What “hats” do you wear? Mom? Dad? Professional? Artist? Book lover? Anime lover?
Simple questions can help you find what makes you happy. Do you have pets? Do you like going outdoors or staying in? Are you someone who enjoys their alone time or do people comfort you more?

Even though you may feel like you have “lost” your sense of self, however, there are ways to help yourself get it back! And if you are unable to, call and get help from a mental health professional! We here at Insight, can help individuals of all ages! 😊